The Saga Continues…

Well it happened..

A panic attack..

I don’t know what triggered it, why it triggered it, how it triggered it, but it happened – 4 times on Saturday. You can imagine how upset I am about this, if you have ever been unfortunate enough to have one. If you haven’t, consider yourself lucky.

Typically when it happens I’m stuck in traffic. That’s my main trigger, my next trigger are loud confined busy places. If I’m in one of those situations it’s almost guaranteed to happen, so I prepare for it, but this time I had no warning.

This day I was traveling down to Freehold for my hair trail for my wedding day. I knew where I was going, thanks to Google Maps “street view” and my GPS, and I’m familiar with the Freehold/Route 18/Route 537 area. I was making REALLY good time despite the distance I had to travel. It was a gorgeous day too.. highway driving with the sun roof open what could be better?!

I did a time check and I was a good 30 minutes early so I decided to stop at the WAWA on Route 18 and relax and stretch my legs before continuing with the next 10 minutes. I was facebooking via my blackberry and just people watching when it started.. The tingle.. the one that feels like your skin is crawling, you get REAL hot, and almost dizzy, the stomach shifts and well.. it’s time to get moving.

I started back on the road and arrived at my destination 15 minutes early. Screw it, I said, it’s only 15 minutes. I ran the door bell, her sister got me situated in the salon area of the house and I was chilling out with her 2 yr old son looking at his finger paintings when it started to come on again. I ran to the bathroom, got sick, got HOT, so I put both my wrists under ice-cold water and WANTED to lay down on the ice-cold tile floors, but hey I didn’t’ think I should do that in someone’s house lol.

Upon exiting the bathroom I told her sister that I was not feeling OK.. I didn’t want to make anyone nervous, but I had to inform her God-forbid I pass out.. When my hair stylist arrived we made her aware of what was going on, and the cool thing about her was .. SHE’S COOL! she grew up one town over from me, and is married to someone I “should” know (I just haven’t checked my yearbook yet lol) so it helped having someone with whom I had something in common to keep my mind preoccupied. My Matron-of-honor, Jess, finally made it (traffic sucks in NJ) and again, more conversation led to killing the 2nd attack.

Afterward, Jess and I headed to Outback for some salad.. well that ride proved to be the start of attack #3. WHY!!?! I’m on Route 9! I know where I am, I’m with someone I know.. WHY!!!!? I now have no appetite, so I ordered the house salad, plain with nothing in it and an ice-cold class of water oh and the check. We bolted out once we were done and I headed to my house to show my mom my hair. We made a couple of tweaks and viola! I think I have my hair for the day!

I spent some time at home just chilling out and getting my nerves down, left around 730pm to head back up north. Playing it safe, I took 287 to avoid any possible jams on the parkway. I got up to Bridgewater and well, I didn’t quite feel good again, but it didn’t make it to panic stage, thankfully.

It’s now Monday.. I’m wiped out. Yesterday I slept all day, had a massive headache, and just had no desire to do anything. My emotions were so high I cried a lot just to release the pressure. Of course, the brain is going a mile a minute trying to put the puzzle together. What caused it, and why? and will it happen on my big day? on the plane? in Aruba-AGAIN?

People that do not suffer from panic attacks do not understand the thought process that happens after an attack, or multiple attacks. You can easily say “don’t think about it”, but that’s not possible, unfortunately. This is the scariest thing that can happen to someone, and I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. What’s even worse is when it happens when you are alone, it just exasperates it because you are scared something will happen to you and you won’t be able to get help or your loved ones are way too far away to help you.

So if you are ever in public (airports and planes are real good place to witness attacks) and someone starts acting frantic or nervous, you might just need to take a moment and instead of laughing at that person, try and understand, help, or sympathize with them.. it helps knowing someone is helping and not laughing at you. If it had a switch we would all just turn them off and go about our daily lives, but that switch doesn’t exist.

Read Full Post »

Listening

The Audio book i was listening to is now finished. (For back ground see my previous posts: Reading or Listening &   Reading or Listening II)

I am going to miss this book, and it’s narrator on my commutes back and forth to work.

I enjoyed this book so much that i actually listened to the Author talk about how the book came about after the story was finished. I just couldn’t let it go. Listening to the Author speak about the history of the book, made it that much more fascinating to hear. Normally i don’t like fiction because it is just that, fake, but this story appealed to me because though certain events could not have happened, we all sometimes wish that they did or could. The people were based off of people in his personal life, though maybe not their exact personalities, but.. well, listen for yourself and you will understand.

The emotional roller coaster was awesome. I was first intrigued, than i wanted to cry, and i might have had i not been driving on the highway during a rain storm (Ahhh the angels cried for me! ), anger would set in at times, then a lot of laughter, tears would flow again, laughter and on and on until the end when it all came together. Peace and calm would prevail at the end, then sorrow that the book was finished. I was almost hoping that there was a part 2!! but honestly i don’t think there could be.

“The Shack” is a book (in any format you prefer) that i highly recommend to those of the Christian Faith. If you don’t believe in God this book will not appeal to you because you just won’t understand it. Well… maybe you will, one never knows, it just depends i guess on how open minded you are. I recommend it especially if you have had something profound happen in your life and you just want some peace. It helps with perspective it really does.

I think tomorrow i may just start disk #1 again and try to listen to see if there wasn’t something i didn’t miss. Surely, the element of surprise won’t be there like it was for the last week or so, but maybe I’ll pick up on something. There were quiet a few times i would have to rewind and re-listen to some of the story because i was near a lot of other vehicles and had to pay extreme attention to the roadway, or i would just zone out thinking about something i just heard and mentally compared it to something in my life.

In any event, if you are looking for a light-hearted, life infused, roller coaster of emotion book to listen too or read, pick “The Shack” up. Surely you won’t be disappointed.

Read Full Post »

Strength In Tragedy

Late last night my phone rang, it was my Mother, crying hysterically on the other end.

She had gone out with her lady friends for their monthly ladies dinner, and when she got home the waterworks started and didn’t stop. So she called me.

Not sure if you remember, but her Fiance (Ken Baker) passed away back in August. She was doing very well for a little while, but lately it’s becoming harder and harder for her to deal with his passing, understandably.

The ladies had gone to one of Mom and Ken’s favorite restaurants and more than 1/2 of the 14 of them ordered Chilean Sea Bass, his favorite. All of that just brought back the emotions i guess, but she managed to keep it together until she was on her way home, and that’s when it all really hit her.

Trying to talk to her on the phone last night was very difficult for me. I wanted to just bust out crying because i could hear the pain she was in. The ony thing i could do was offer her the support and pass on the knowledge i gained from when i was in therapy years ago.  Ironically, everything i was offering to her her temporary counselor had already spoke to her about. (I should charge for this! lol)

Suffering the sudden loss of a loved one is, i guess you can say, is a form of PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It can take up to 2 years, and longer in some cases, to deal with something of this magnitude. It did for me when i went through my situation back in 2005.

I went through psychological counseling and it was 4 years later that i started medication to help with the physical after effects of the stress. I feel great now. I love both of my doctors and the knowledge i gain from them is what is helping me deal with my Mother now.

Everything happens for a reason i do believe, as previously stated in other posts. Had i not gotten sick 4 years ago i would never be able to assist my Mother now in what she’s going through. Did it suck back then? Oh yeah, it felt like death was around the corner at every moment. But i fought and i beat it and i’m am an insanely stonger person for it.

Mom, everything will be ok. It sucks right now, but it will get better i promise. If it didn’t i wouldn’t be hear right now.

Read Full Post »

On the edge of the dark forest

If you have had the chance to touch base with my blogger blog “It’s a Crazy Place” then you know that my Mom’s Fiance’ passed away very recently. Trying to keep her from slipping into the blackness of depression is a feat that only the strong can accomplish.

Thankfully, I’ve been there, in the depths of darkness. At the time i wasn’t thankful, but as my favorite saying goes “Everything Happens for a Reason”. I used to think it was to get the one broad at my job fired because she was a time-stealing-thief, but now that this has happened to my Mother, i’m thinking this might be the actual reason why.

I learned a lot from my 6 months on the couch and 6 months of being a medicated guinnea pig.

1. never take life for granted, because you never know when it will end.

2. stop and listen to the sounds of life, and the visual beauty of it as well.

3. when something BIG happens, you better have a damn good support group and a good Dr. to get you through it.

When i was in, what i called, “My valley of darkness” the only support group i had was my Father, my friend who is a poice officer, and my Brother. My Mom “couldn’t deal with it”, yet i’m now helping her. Thankfully, for her sake, i’m not a spitefull person. I had (and still do from time to time) a great Psychologist for when the big things happen. He acts as my sounding board.

I’m trying to get her to see a “shrink” for lack of a better term, so that he/she can monitor her and make sure she is OK. They are more trained than i am to recognize deep depression, i can only see it by what actions she displays, and she is most cunning sometimes. Her fear is that they will medicate her and she will not function anymore. That’s BS because i’m medicated and feel better than i ever did in my entire life.. imagine that! living your whole life depressed and not even realizing it!

Through my journey in the valley of darkness i did find my God. At times i felt abandoned, alone, scared, desparate, suicidal even until i found the very famous poem “Footprints in the Sand”

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,

“The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints in the sand,

is when I carried you.”

-Mary Stevenson

This helped me understand my lonliness on my really bad days; it helped pull me through them as well.

Read Full Post »